Clemency

TW: Mentions mild Self-hate.

I used to believe that it was unfair to drag anyone into the mess of a person that I am.

I needed to warn people before they got hurt. If I stopped myself from doing that, then I would be committing a grave crime.
But even if I did say it, people didn't understand.

It's like coming out of a dirty public bathroom. And seeing someone standing outside. You're an asshole if you don't mention the fact that the bathroom flush isn't working. You're an asshole if you don't tell the other person that they should hold their breath. That there's residual shit from countless people before you. And it'll be extremely impolite if you don't think of mentioning that they should go to another bathroom altogether instead. It makes you shitty person if you just walk out.
That person judges you. Assumes you were the one who made it this way in the first place. When the only thing you did was go inside, see the mess and leave without using it, maybe even trying to clean it a bit.

Why did I just make an analogy on poor hygienic conditions in the public space?
Because that's how I feel about myself sometimes. Not very fun, I'll admit. I didn't think very highly of myself for a long time. If you ask me what has changed from now and then, my only answer would be that I've changed how I treat myself. I don't think my perception of myself has changed much. But I don't feel like driving people away from me anymore.

I scared people away because I didn't want to take responsibility for any pain caused by me and my actions. And I thought that driving people away would make them sympathize and love me more. That the resilient would stick around while the others could just leave.

But did my brilliant tactic work?

No.

People will stay and leave when they wish to do so. We cannot make the choice for them. I learnt it the time-consuming way.

I try to fix myself now. I'm trying to be honest in a way that's kind to myself rather than with the sole intent of driving people away from me.
It's like hanging a board saying 'under maintenance' when it is really required. It's putting up a sign in front of the bathroom explaining the situation. The interested will read. The one's who want to complain will keep complaining.

Let them.

Being kind to yourself is the realization that you cannot please everyone. Being kind to yourself is realizing that not everyone has the same importance in your life and pleasing a random person you saw at a restaurant today is not the same as making your parent's proud.
You can be messy and troubled and sad but being harsh on yourself is simply not making the situation any better. It's not as easy as the words make it sound. But understand that people are attracted to effort. They have hope and love for you when you try. They'll give up on you when you give up on yourself.

I have tried really hard to make this sound less cliched and more empathetic. But it's quite a challenge to do so when the cliche holds so much truth in it.
Exercising and talking to your friends and eating healthier isn't going to cure depression or make every problem in your life go away. But I feel that it is always going to be better than lying in bed and never being kind to yourself.