She has to act

TW: Mentions of rape.

Note: This is a fictional body of work.

She wasn't supposed to sleep. Her body was tired but she had to keep going. 

And so she sat in bed, hugging her knees and staring at the mirror in front of her. Her hair was disheveled and her eyes had bags underneath them. "Good", she thought. "It helps the process". She rocked her body because she had nothing better to do, picking at her fingers and digging her bitten nails into her shins. "I should cry so that it's easier. Why can't I cry? I have to feel sadness. But all I feel is empty. No one will believe me".

She didn't know how to prove her side of the story. She was scared of being laughed at. Of being called a liar or an attention seeker. 'She shouldn't have gone to that party. She shouldn't have worn that dress. She shouldn't have had that drink. She shouldn't have stayed so late.' She could already hear the people nitpicking her every move. What will she tell them? Will they understand that they are just voicing the same blame game she already has in her head?

"Why did I do the things I did? I need to give them answers because my silence sounds like an admission of guilt. What are my excuses? What were my reasons? Is it so wrong to want to have some fun? To want to enjoy a night out with my friends? Is it my fault that he didn't listen to my pleadings? Is it my fault that he forced himself upon me and violated my body? Did I ask for it?"

It will look that way to them. She needed to change that.

So she looked to see if her clothes were damaged. She ripped her slightly torn blouse further. She smeared the kajal over her eyes and messed her hair up even more. The small wound on her lips had stopped bleeding so she reopened the gash. "Much better. Now I look the part."

She wondered if she should swap her knee-length skirt for pants so that she would be taken seriously. "NO. No tampering with evidence!"

That's the same reason she stopped herself from cleaning herself up even though she desperately wanted to. 

Who will she call? Her brother? " No, he would be mad at me for going out at 10 pm."

Her friends? "They were there and didn't think anything of what happened.."

Her boyfriend? "He'd just think I cheated on him and would assume I'm using my woman victim card to escape his anger. He always thought girls had it easier..."

Should she just go by herself? "But what if they harass me? I should contact a lawyer.."

She wondered if life would ever go back to normal. She was not ready to give up. She knew it wasn't her fault. But she had to convince that to everyone else... her friends and families, the media, the police, the hospital, the public, and even the court of law.

It exhausted her to think so much all at once. The bad thoughts crept back into her head. Death seemed like a sweet release from the pain and misery. Her body and mind had been begging for an end for a while. And now her spirit was broken too. Things didn't look like they'll be alright anymore. She'd lost something inside her. Was it her self respect?

How does she explain that she didn't have the guts to use her taser because she thought she was just imagining it? How can she explain laughing off the sexist jokes and inappropriate glances in order to fit in? How could she explain the paralysis that overtook her body as it was happening to her? How could she explain the feeling of absolute fear and disgust she felt as she collected her clothes and made her way back home without waking him up. What was she to do anyway?

She knew now. She has to act. She had to play the part of the wounded deer because only then would they see him as the vicious predator he is. She had to seem as innocent as could be so his ill intentions could be uncovered. Her acting determined whether he would be punished. She wondered if it was all in her head. She wondered if she was accusing him of things that didn't happen. Doubts clouded her thinking as her eyelids felt heavy.

But she knew deep down that she didn't want him to do things he did to her.

He had raped her. And she wanted justice for that.